If only. . .

I started a new Bible Study recently with some women living in the area. It's an English Bible Study, and there are probably multiple reasons why I decided to join it, one being that I was invited and another being that my soul has been longing for something--food, fellowship, roots, something. Anyway, I'm typically hesitant to join groups like these, but it's an eclectic group, and will be interesting; if it simply forces me to take time to reflect and seek God with others, I think it'll be worth it.

Last week, the major theme had to do with our "if only's." You know, the things we think will fulfill us and make us happy, solve our problems. I, personally, have a multitude I could rattle off. But my big one right now is this: if only we had a house with a YARD. Now, I don't think it's bad to hope for things, wish we had things, wish that things were different in our relationships or circumstances, etc. Sometimes God uses those things to work his plans out in our lives. Maybe he even prompts those feelings in us. I recently heard this referred to as "holy discontent." But, ultimately GOD is the only one that can truly fulfill me. God is the only one that can really make me 'happy.' If I am counting on a yard to make me happy, make me content to live in CR indefinitely, or to solve my kids' needs to run off their energy, then I have made this idea of a yard my idol. And idols are dead and powerless. And this is something I need to look at very closely, because the way I see it a yard WOULD solve a lot of issues and would be great for lots of reasons. I could make the Lord a list of all the reasons he should provide us with one (wait, I have done that!) I keep wrestling with God about this. First of all, he provided our current house at just the right moment, and it has been ideal for ministry, guests, housing the SI office, even for our family (really, I have no room to complain!). So, he COULD provide something just as good with a yard, too. Granted, that might mean miraculously creating a new plot of land somewhere (but it could happen). We feel like God has asked us to live in Desamparados, near the bus line, near the language school and host families, near ministry sites, with easy access to teams, staff, etc. This seriously limits the options since, by my estimation, 98% of the land with those specifications is built on already and the rest would require us to win the lottery that we don't play. Sigh. AND, I really do want to be content if God's answer is to stay put. I really do! But that means letting go, sacrificing, trusting, grieving. . . not to mention continuing to find yard alternatives.

I know that within missionary/ministry circles the issue of where to live can be a big deal. How do you balance ministry, family, and longevity? Before kids, it would have been easy to say we could live anywhere. I would have seen it as an adventure to live in a grass hut somewhere, or even in a slum. It might have even felt heroic (sickening, right?). But now, the mother bear instinct has taken over. And a little bit of the desire to have my cake and eat it too. It doesn't help to be wanting a yard and then go to green, open Minnesota where my kids were able to experience the freedom of running around and riding bikes and scooters. On Sunday, after they woke up in their Costa Rican beds, Olivia and Sawyer were both eager to ride their scooters (which I said they could ride around the house), but then quickly gave it up because there wasn't enough room. Trying to remain positive, I told them it was a good opportunity to perfect sharp turns and such. . . they are slowly warming up to the idea.

Have I made it clear that this yard issue is my biggest current "if only" idol?! I'm sure I sound spoiled and ungrateful, but I'm just sharing where I'm at in this. Nobody has to tell me it could be a lot worse! I'm just convicted, don't want it to be an idol, trying to sort it out, wanting to truly hand it over to God and trust his plans (and heart!) for my family. But. it's. so. hard. Please pray for us (and me!) in this. And if you receive any insight you'd like to pass along, feel free.

Meanwhile, we'll keep wrestling, and I think I'll keep going to Bible Study.